It’s a beautiful day in early summer. The light of these Northern latitudes enchants me more and more each year. How beautiful are the silhouettes reflected on calm waters! I am spellbound observing this play of light, and in some mysterious way I experience being not only an observer but an essential part of what is appearing. Looking at the reflections feels like I’m following the dance of the universe – a play between light and shadow. It fills me with a deep sense of belonging and I wonder if I’m watching a microcosm of life where all manifestations eventually vanish back to the ocean of life? And what is the reality of the reflections, to whom do they belong? Do I only see dreams lingering in awareness for a little while?
Reflections – in Search of Happiness Reflections remind me of searching for happiness. But focusing on the objects of mind, I move away from the here and now. At times I feel a burning desire to find something better, bigger or more important. Something to make me happy. I follow life’s many paths until I finally get frustrated and stop searching. And precisely in the moment of giving up the searching comes to an end. And then, out of nowhere, there is happiness residing beyond experiences, in the “nothingness”. I’m a little bit ashamed to see, that I have been so deeply enchanted by the reflections on water, that I have become a prisoner of my own mind – unable to see what it mimics! What if the mirror does not reflect an action of time but something that lies behind the personality and cannot be reached by naming, thinking, exploring or searching? The driving force: a sense of lack Surrounded by nature I become calm, and the urge to search fades into the peace of timeless existence. I stop and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and feel the air flowing in through the soles of my feet and up towards the top of my head and back, like it’s connecting heaven and earth. I keep doing this until I feel like my body isn’t separate from the surroundings and the only thing left is a sense of vibration. I open my eyes and am surprised - the boundaries between different forms have faded. As my vision becomes blurred, the view changes into something dreamlike, an abstraction with no focal point. I feel like I’m moving on a groundless ground, where thought and perception are covered in a mist. A light begins to twinkle through the mist, and as the landscape becomes brighter, so does my mind. Out of the blue intense feelings come up. The one thought that sums them up is a sense of lack. I recognise it. It seems that the sense of lack plays a significant role in my life, secretly feeding both body and the mind. Longing Almost without realising, I have been drawn to activities and topics to fill the sense of emptiness and insignificance that accompany the sense of lack. I haven’t been able to recognize the connection between the activities and the sense of lack. I have spent years looking for excitement provided by different activities only to realize that searching never ends. Being on a journey feeds my fantasy of future fulfilment. The wait and the longing that the poet Edith Södergran describes with such accuracy as ”a land that doesn’t exist”. Can it be that I pursue a goal even though a part of me doesn’t want to reach it, because then I would have to face what I’m running away from: a sense of emptiness that follows the end of the search. So I find myself on a journey again, sailing towards new adventures and new destinations. Until I finally understand that it is not the true Self but the concept of a separate self that both seeks happiness and is prevented from finding it! I also realize that objects and activities are merely reflections of their spiritual essence. That’s why they can never offer lasting happiness and peace. Slowly, I begin to realize that I’m seeking happiness in all the wrong places. Lost I pause to explore the feeling of emptiness and I realise that it speaks of longing. It’s like I’ve lost touch with something essential, as if God made a fundamental mistake in creation. I’m at a loss, because I do not seem to have any tools to find my way back to the Garden of Eden. But suddenly an answer appears from a place of not knowing: when I lose myself in thoughts, feelings and experiences, I get lost and I forget who I am, who or what is the real experiencer. I am like a professionally trained actor embodying a character so fully that my sense of Self is profoundly changed by the character. It takes courage to look behind the veil and to leap into the unknown – to be curious and honest despite the fear and to see what’s beneath the personality and the self-image. A few moments of not doing and being present are enough to reveal the conditioning of thinking and perceiving. Being a prisoner in my own mind, I haven’t even questioned the reality of personhood and a dualistic world. However, looking at the reflected silhouettes I recognise the temporary nature of all experiences and observations. I intuitively know that behind all manifestations there is something which is always present, and available in all experiences. Questioning The sun has barely set when I see the moon climbing into the sky. Looking at it, a thought appears in my mind – the moon has no light of its own! Both the moon and its reflections need sunlight to be visible. I wonder if the same applies to me? What is the reality of the seer and the seen? Does a separate seer exist or is it also seen, like everything else? Suddenly, these questions seem so essential that I feel like I am confused by them. I wonder how I’ve been able to ignore something that is so fundamental and essential. If consciousness isn’t located in my body, where on earth can it be found? I have been convinced that my brain produces thoughts, but suddenly I’m not so certain anymore. And does a conscious mind exist in the first place? Body, sensations, thoughts, sensory perceptions and emotions are not aware of themselves, not even of their absence. So there must be something else or someone else who knows and is aware of them. Who is here. Is there anyone here? Who am I? Here and now My head starts to ache and I begin to feel nauseous. It feels like my idea of the world is falling apart and that I am facing something that I’ve been looking for, and bizarrely, also escaped from without knowing it. I would like to suprress these unpleasant feelings that are bringing me close to panic. I am greatly tempted to fall for the substitutes provided by conceptions, mental and physical activities, and social media, let alone the contents of my refridgerator. Instead, I let all emotions, sensations and thoughts appear just as they are. Bringing my attention to my breath makes me feel focused but relaxed. And suddenly, I realise that what I’m looking for isn’t around the corner or somewhere in the future. It is here and now. The potential for happiness is always present, even though it seems to be veiled by the reflections of the mind! The world based on the sense of lack turns out to resemble a mirage in the desert – as if I had been searching for water, not realising that I have always been right next to it. I understand that happiness isn’t an emotion or a state of mind to be discovered, it is the essence of our own being. Being in itself is not goal-oriented and it doesn’t have an age, but nevertheless the timelessness seems to give purpose to the temporal me. However, I don’t experience timelessness as an otherworldly abstraction, but as something that is closer than close to me, here and now. Embodiment of truth Time seems to disappear and I still find myself sitting on the cliffs. I have been afraid of the invisible, because the mind is not able to grasp anything that doesn’t have objective qualities. The mind loves knowledge, because by attaching to it or other objects it remains in control. I have also been leaning on the teachings of spiritual masters and mystics, but now it is time to let go of my supports and explore my own experiences. Life is my true guru. The wisdom of life is always well timed – mistakes do not exist! Held in the cradle of silence I realize that it is the light of our own being which illuminates all observations, emotions, sensations and thoughts and makes itself known through them. As the day draws to a close a soft breeze blows from the East and whispers in the words of Jesus: ”I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” For a while, I feel overwhelmed by these words as if plunged in the shadow of Eden’s Garden. However, in the power of light the fear fades away and I understand that there is no need to avoid the shadow or to fight against it. By following the call of light, I learn to discern the untruths from the truth. And finally only brightness remains: the light of our Being.
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My journey leads me to the middle of nowhere, Lake Saimaa. Its rocky islands and pine trees are calling me to spend time in nature, away from the hustle and bustle of the city. As night falls I head towards the sauna by the lake. Before I wrap myself in the warmth of the sauna, I pause to listen to the silence, and admire the starry sky. Suddenly I’m filled with a wistful feeling, as though I have been abandoned, left to my fate. It would be easy to ignore this feeling, but instead I give it my full attention. I breathe it in and let the sensation expands until it fills me completely. Suddenly it feels very familiar! It is exactly the same feeling I had when I was about to give birth to our first born, equipped with only the slightest hint of what giving birth was, as I headed into uncharted territory. I left as an individual and came back home with a new life, a life over which I knew I would have no control.
Illusion of control As an academic I had read and prepared myself thoroughly for what was to come. I had learned that rhythm was important. So, I had planned a precise schedule for this new life, a schedule that included eating, sleeping, and “socializing”. When we arrived home, the frost outside was breaking all records. I had asked for extra heaters for our home – after all, our little one had to stay warm! Our attempt to regulate the heating resulted in fuses burning out and a power cut in the entire building. But the baby wasn’t bothered, she just tended to her own rhythm and seemed to enjoy life. At night she was eager to stay awake and during the day she relished her sleep. It seemed like the little bundle, with willful persistence, already wanted to show her academic mother that feeling in charge of one’s life was an illusion! There is in every child at every stage a new miracle. The first smile, the first rollover, the first words, the first steps. The spirit, the life-force, brings new things that have not been experienced before, on its own, no textbooks needed! All three of my children are now out in the world, I have let them go – or have I? I have relinquished my need to control their lives, or at least tried to do so. Do I now have the courage to let go and take a leap into the unknown? Is it me who is writing, or is life writing in me, through me? Am I alone or in oneness with all? Labelling A pause, resulting in an insight – a timeless moment of understanding. Have I ever come across anything except what my thinking mind creates? In labelling something, the presence seems to disappear and I fall into the world of duality – a world of “me and others”. Body and mind feel real in their own right, and everything else seems to be something other than myself. No surprise that from time to time I feel like an outsider, and I have a desire to withdraw into the sanctuary of my mind. However, by pulling back, I am creating separation and loneliness - a paradox, since that is precisely what I’m trying to avoid! When I don’t give my mind the power to identify things I feel like falling into a void that refuses to be explored or discovered. But my impatient mind is eager to label the abstraction, because giving it a name helps it feel more familiar and identifiable at a conscious level. Even when I name love I turn it into an object. There is someone who loves something or someone. However, my heart tells me, that love is not something that is separate from myself. On the contrary, it seems like I am in fact deeply connected to love. Breath: a pathway to presence I take a moment to consciously breathe, as I listen to my breath. Suddenly, my husband appears next to me. I am so immersed in thoughts that I had almost forgotten about him, that he had been so kind as to accompany me to my writing retreat. He breathes, I breathe. We breathe together. We are one breath that seems to be currently manifesting in two bodies. Breath is constantly bringing in something new and removing something old. In the gap between the in-breath and the outbreath I sense a timeless presence that seems to enliven my body in time, as if it were carried towards the future. I rest in the timeless energy of universal breath, free from past experience and any expectations for the future. In the here and now, there is total freedom to stand back and to be simultaneously fully engaged with life. Every moment of this union is a surprise and I have no knowledge of what will bring tomorrow. Giving up achievement In the shelter of the woods time seems to disappear. During the busy years 24 hours per day never seemed to be enough. I felt like I was fighting against time to manage everything I had to accomplish. But now moments seem to follow each other in a continuum, without beginning or end. This makes me wonder about the connection between time and the present moment. Being in a hurry makes me feel like a separate self, who is striving for things to happen. In presence, the sense of separation collapses, and things seem to arise naturally. Forgetting myself opens the doors to miracles. In the heart of existence It’s time to part, two weeks without my husband. One last embrace and he is already in the car heading to the city. His touch is still lingering, I send a message: “I love you!” I smile. I know very well that by loving him I’m saying that I love myself! How could it be otherwise; in the dance of life, there is no separation, life is married to itself. Life energy is like an ocean giving birth to its own waves. One wave follows another – and eventually they merge back into the ocean. You too come and go like all life forms always do and always will. But in my heart, I feel like I know that there is something else: The core of my being that never disappears and never leaves me. What I essentially am, is not dependent on the finite mind and its thoughts, images, beliefs and perceptions. Identifying Being still, I notice how strongly I have identified with different roles: Finnish woman, child, mother, entrepreneur, researcher, writer, adventurer, guide, seeker, wise woman, and helper are all roles that come to mind. Each role seems to be tied to an identification to a body and an individual mind. But who or what does the identifying? Could it be that there is only an image or a thought of an individual entity which gives rise to the identification with body and mind? An image that is based on thoughts, beliefs and feelings. I have been absolutely convinced that I am an individual and an independent doer, thinker, and perceiver, but what if it isn’t true? What if the belief in a separate self itself is the veiling of love and prevents finding the truth of our true nature? I am a little ashamed to see how conditioned my mind has been in believing all these ideas about myself. In my egocentric world I haven’t even questioned their reality. But now it’s time to find clarity around what this false identification really is, to stop seeing myself as something that I’m not. Not operating from my authentic nature is like wearing a pair of sunglasses with tinted lenses, enhancing my perception of who I think I am. A field without boundaries Now that I am left alone, I have the opportunity to remove my mask. To be quiet and present, and to eventually put my realizations into written and spoken form! When I pause and disentangle myself from the outside world, I can recognize my true nature as Being. It feels very real, like something that is unchangeable and always there. It feels like I’m landing on a field with no boundaries that cannot be reached or discovered by the mind. I am ready to surrender into the not-knowing. I welcome the emptiness I land in when I give up. And suddenly, I feel like being illuminated by the peculiar and irrational knowledge that what I believe myself to be simply knows nothing at all! The unknown can only be known when the all-knowing mind sinks in the ocean of awareness. Studying and reading are useful tools and concepts, but they cannot help me find what I’m really looking for. But strangely, I feel that there is nevertheless “something” that knows and can be known. There’s a gnawing sensation in my stomach, and for a moment I begin to question my intention. My mind finds all of this extraordinarily confusing, but I’d rather listen to the silence before speaking. And contrary to my habits I won’t even try to silence the unpleasant feelings. Whatever arises may arise. I accept and take it in. The adventure of my life is ready to begin! I want to say a few words about my video book The Borderless Bridge. In short, its message can be summarized into the questions “who or what am I”, “who are you”, “what is our true identity”? When my body ceases to exist, will I disappear? Self-enquiry is the investigation into the nature of our self, a deep dive beneath the surface of personality. Throughout history, spiritual masters have been interested in these questions. However, one does not need to be a spiritual master or a saint to be able to explore and delve into the reality of existence. Nevertheless, we must be humble and willing to question our ideas and beliefs about reality, in particular the deeply engrained belief of being a body. It’s about surrendering and letting go of what we believe to know. Only an open and curious mind has the power to inquire "who am I?" No one else can answer this question for you. You are the answer!
It is December as I write this forward. This is the darkest time of the year in the North. However, six months later, the situation is completely different, and we get to enjoy the bright nights of the midsummer. The world I see is a world of multiplicity and diversity, based on contraries. Yet, all opposites have one unified foundation, a reality, which is one. Darkness and light may seem like opposites, but there is also a light that has no opposite, a light that is not of this world, but instead the world is in this light. Jesus saying "I am the light of the world" refers to this light that is within us. We are the light, and another name for it is consciousness. The light of consciousness shines in all experience and on all objects: it is the light of knowing with which we know our experience. However, the light of consciousness itself is not an object that can be reached or understood by the mind. That's why it is also called the invisible reality for which there is no established vocabulary. Nevertheless, the dear child has many names, and other names and concepts referring to the light of consciousness include the Self, true Self, one reality, I Am consciousness, presence, here and now, God, omniscience, oneness, non-dualism, the reality of being, silence, spiritual heart, love. Despite the range of concepts, I have tried to find words and a visual way to describe what is beyond all naming and what we lose by naming it! And yet, it is always present. Who or what am I ? My video book, The Borderless Bridge, depicts my journey towards non-dualistic understanding and experience. According to the traditional, dualistic perspective, there is a separate individual, an entity that encompasses the body and mind. Within the body, there seems to reside a conscious 'me,' and outside of it is the 'Not-Me,' which is the world and other body-minds. According to this dualistic perspective, experience is divided into the experiencer and the experienced, or the subject and object relationship. However, on the non-dualistic path, the distinction between the experiencer and the experienced collapses, so that there is only experiencing and the knowing of it. We realize that there is only One, universal consciousness, and that we are this consciousness. One Self, which we commonly refer to as 'I' in everyday language, without truly realizing who or what I actually is! So, instead of over seven billion conscious individuals, there is only One - one consciousness with seven billion faces! What is Self-inquiry ? What does Self-recognition or Self-realization mean in practice? It is not an activity that is undertaken by the mind. On the contrary, it’s about falling back and sinking of the mind into its source, which is consciousness. I can practice this by directing attention first to what seems to be “out there”, including objects, thoughts, feelings, and sensations, and then back the other way, to what is within, to what is aware of this objective experience. I can also ask myself, when a thought or perception appears, who or what is aware of it? And when this thought disappears, what is aware of that? The almost obvious answer is that I am aware. This brings us back to the question of who I am. Thoughts, images, as well as the body and its sensations, are all perceived; therefore, they cannot be what I am. What I am cannot be seen, yet I become visible through my manifestations. It is like waves rising in the ocean, frothing for a while, and then merging back into their source. Being aware In principle, self-realization is simple, as everything is already here and now! Being aware of being aware is not a rational process and may sound like theoretical philosophizing. However, when we delve into the essence of experience, we discover that "being aware" is present in all experience. Yet, conditioned thinking, attachment to our self-image and past experiences, make it complicated. It is difficult to see clearly that the identification with the imaginary separate self is the very dynamism which veils our being as awareness. We hope that by holding tightly onto this imaginary rope, we won't fall into emptiness. We fear that by surrendering, we ourselves will disappear and cease to exist. What happens? Self-realization can be a sudden, radical realization, like a stormy ocean which has the power to distinguish the false from the true. Self-realization may also be referred to as enlightenment, a sudden event in which the light of consciousness swiftly penetrates the content of the mind, revealing our identity as conscious awareness. Often, as in my case, it is instead a long process where self-realization is not the end goal but rather a starting point, after which the actual work begins! For me, it has been important to face the dynamics that hinder from being the embodiment of truth. It took a long time before I even realized that I was conditioned to reject and exclude experiences which felt overwhelming. I bypassed them and behaved as if they did not concern me at all. It was a mental defense mechanism to escape the current experience. However, the rejected is projected onto other people, and so, we begin to judge, avoid, or downplay them. However, pain and physical ailments are forms through which avoidance coping manifests itself and makes it visible. Denial and rejection work like a stone wall which isolates us from our own light. In the darkness, we do not see that there is nothing but a projection of our own mind. To face the unfaced On the path of self-realization all these bodily contractions in which the apparently independent persona has made its home, are gradually released. The light of consciousness is like the sun that makes the dust visible. The dynamics of conditioned patterns is pervaded by the presence of awareness, and as a result, they cease to exist. I learn to welcome all feelings and sensations without attempting to exclude anything. Acceptance means having the courage to face everything exactly as it is. Without trying to change anything or aiming for a specific outcome, I am willing to sit in the fire of even the most unpleasant sensations until they give way. This may take hours, sometimes even several days, but eventually the fire goes out and love, which is hidden in the core of even the most painful sensations, is revealed. Imagine how much lighter becomes the backpack of a seeker who wakes up and knows that love, or in other words, divine consciousness, is the only true power. The feelings that initially felt uncomfortable turn into a sense of inner spaciousness that is deeply peaceful. The power of the ego is imaginary, and when the illusion of a self-sustaining individual is revealed to be non-existent, the ego loses its apparent strength. As the shadows get shorter, the nature of experience changes, and we see that only Love is omnipotent and all-knowing. Love is the holy force that transforms and takes care of everything, as long as I let go of the illusory role of the doer and knower. When I learn to see myself in everyone, my world changes. For who would want to harm, hurt, judge, or in any way mistreat anyone if they know they are doing it to themselves? Persona: an activity of consciousness In the video book The Borderless Bridge, I refer to my own process of self-realization: what has been revealed and what it is like to live a life where the shadows of separation grow shorter and shorter. Every awakening, whether big or small, always feels like a blessing, a dive into realm of silence. Many years ago, when I set out on the path of self-inquiry, I thought that the true Self is a subtle, a kind of higher and spiritually more conscious form of my body-mind. The persona does not cease to exist, but its reality is revealed as an activity that either manifests selfless love or ego, the belief in separation. The word persona originates from the Greek language and means a mask through which the voice is heard! Now and years ago… The content of this video-book is a result and summary of thousands of pages and over ten years of work. For this project, I have learned photography and how to operate a drone to capture footage, edit the recorded material, and to work it out into videos. I have also recorded my writings and combined them with the film footage, resulting in 14 approximately 15-minute-long films, each with its own theme, accompanied by music. The themes form a set that I call The Borderless Bridge, the essence of which is revealed along the way. In preparing the English versions, except for this preface, I have been assisted by Veera Hintsala and Deidra Ahorn, Dee for short. I am grateful for their help, and it has been a great joy and honor to have Dee as the Irish voice for these videos. Thank you, dear Dee! The texts are published as blogs on my website tuulikkiharmia.fi, and the videos can be downloaded on the same site. You can also follow my Facebook page Tuulikki Harmia-Pulkkinen and my Instagram account tuulikkiharmia. I will release videos and texts of this book one by one at approximately monthly intervals and announce new releases on my Facebook and Instagram accounts. I would love to meet you on the journey of self-enquiry! |
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