Chapter 2. The Light reflecting itself

​It’s a beautiful day in early summer. The light of these Northern latitudes enchants me more and more each year. How beautiful are the silhouettes reflected on calm waters! I am spellbound observing this play of light, and in some mysterious way I experience being not only an observer but  an essential part of what is appearing. Looking at the reflections feels like I’m following the dance of the universe – a play between light and shadow. It fills me with a deep sense of belonging and I wonder if I’m watching a microcosm of life where all manifestations eventually vanish back to the ocean of life?  And what is the reality of the reflections, to whom do they belong?  Do I only see dreams lingering in awareness for a little while?
 
Reflections – in Search of Happiness
Reflections remind me of searching for happiness. But focusing on the objects of mind, I move away from the here and now.  At times I feel a burning desire  to find something better, bigger or more important. Something to make me happy. I follow life’s many paths until I finally get frustrated and stop searching. And precisely in the moment of giving up the searching comes to an end. And then, out of nowhere, there is happiness residing beyond experiences, in the “nothingness”. I’m a little bit ashamed to see, that I have been so deeply enchanted by the reflections on water, that I have become a prisoner of my own mind  –  unable to see what it mimics! What if the mirror does not reflect an action of time but something that lies behind the personality and cannot be reached by naming, thinking, exploring or searching?
 
The driving force: a sense of lack
Surrounded by nature I become calm, and the urge to search fades into the peace of timeless existence. I stop and close my eyes. I take a deep breath and feel the air flowing in through the soles of my feet and up towards the top of my head and back, like it’s connecting heaven and earth. I keep doing this until I feel like my body isn’t separate from the surroundings and the only thing left is a sense of vibration. I open my eyes and am surprised - the boundaries between different forms have faded. As my vision becomes blurred, the view changes into something dreamlike, an abstraction with no focal point. I feel like I’m moving on a groundless ground, where thought and perception are covered in a mist. A light begins to twinkle through the mist, and as the landscape becomes brighter, so does my mind. Out of the blue intense feelings come up. The one thought that sums them up is a sense of lack.  I recognise it. It seems that the sense of lack plays a significant role in my life, secretly feeding both body and the mind.
 
Longing
Almost without realising, I have been drawn to activities and topics to fill the sense of emptiness and insignificance that accompany the sense of lack. I haven’t been able to recognize the connection between the activities and the sense of lack. I have spent years looking for excitement provided by different activities only to realize that searching never ends.  Being on a journey feeds my fantasy of future fulfilment. The wait and the longing that the poet Edith Södergran describes with such accuracy as ”a land that doesn’t exist”. Can it be that I pursue a goal even though a part of me doesn’t want to reach it, because then I would have to face what I’m running away from: a sense of emptiness that follows the end of the search.
 
So I find myself on a journey again, sailing towards new adventures and new destinations. Until I finally understand that it is not the true Self but the concept of a separate self that both seeks happiness and is prevented from finding it! I also realize that objects and activities are merely reflections of their spiritual essence. That’s why they can never offer lasting happiness and peace. Slowly, I begin to realize that I’m seeking happiness in all the wrong places.
 
Lost
I pause to explore the feeling of emptiness and I realise that it speaks of longing. It’s like I’ve lost touch with something essential, as if God made a fundamental mistake in creation. I’m at a loss, because I do not seem to have any tools to find my way back to the Garden of Eden. But suddenly an answer appears from a place of not knowing: when I lose myself in thoughts, feelings and experiences, I get lost and I forget who I am, who or what is the real experiencer. I am like a professionally trained actor embodying a character so fully that my sense of Self is profoundly changed by the character.
 
It takes courage to look behind the veil and to leap into the unknown – to be curious and honest despite the fear and to see what’s beneath the personality and the self-image.
A few moments of not doing and being present are enough to reveal the conditioning of thinking and perceiving. Being a prisoner in my own mind, I haven’t even questioned the reality of personhood and a dualistic world. However, looking at the reflected silhouettes I recognise the temporary nature of all experiences and observations. I intuitively know that behind all manifestations there is something which is always present, and available in all experiences.
 
Questioning
The sun has barely set when I see the moon climbing into the sky. Looking at it, a thought appears in my mind – the moon has no light of its own! Both the moon and its reflections need sunlight to be visible. I wonder if the same applies to me? What is the reality of the seer and the seen? Does a separate seer exist or is it also seen, like everything else? Suddenly, these questions seem so essential that I feel like I am confused by them. I wonder how I’ve been able to ignore something that is so fundamental and essential.  If consciousness isn’t located in my body, where on earth can it be found? I have been convinced that my brain produces thoughts, but suddenly I’m not so certain anymore. And does a conscious mind exist in the first place? Body, sensations, thoughts, sensory perceptions and emotions are not aware of themselves, not even of their absence. So there must be something else or someone else who knows and is aware of them. Who is here. Is there anyone here? Who am I?
 
Here and now
My head starts to ache and I begin to feel nauseous. It feels like my idea of the world is falling apart and that I am facing something that I’ve been looking for, and bizarrely, also escaped from without knowing it. I would like to suprress these unpleasant feelings that are bringing me close to panic. I am greatly tempted to fall for the substitutes provided by conceptions, mental and physical activities, and social media, let alone the contents of my refridgerator. Instead, I let all emotions, sensations and thoughts appear just as they are. Bringing my attention to my breath makes me feel focused but relaxed. And suddenly, I realise that what I’m looking for isn’t around the corner or somewhere in the future.
It is here and now. The potential for happiness is always present, even though it seems to be veiled by the reflections of the mind! The world based on the sense of lack turns out to resemble a mirage in the desert – as if I had been searching for water, not realising that I have always been right next to it. I understand that happiness isn’t an emotion or a state of mind to be discovered, it is the essence of our own being. Being in itself is not goal-oriented and it doesn’t have an age, but nevertheless the timelessness seems to give purpose to the temporal me. However, I don’t experience timelessness as an otherworldly abstraction, but as something that is closer than close to me, here and now.
 
Embodiment of truth
Time seems to disappear and I still find myself sitting on the cliffs. I have been afraid of the invisible, because the mind is not able to grasp anything that doesn’t have objective qualities.  The mind loves knowledge, because by attaching to it or other objects it remains in control. I have also been leaning on the teachings of spiritual masters and mystics, but now it is time to let go of my supports and explore my own experiences. Life is my true guru. The wisdom of life is always well timed – mistakes do not exist!
 
Held in the cradle of silence I realize that it is the light of our own being which illuminates all observations, emotions, sensations and thoughts and makes itself known through them. As the day draws to a close a soft breeze blows from the East and whispers in the words of Jesus: ”I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” For a while, I feel overwhelmed by these words as if plunged in the shadow of Eden’s Garden. However, in the power of light the fear fades away and I understand that there is no need to avoid the shadow or to fight against it. By following the call of light, I learn to discern the untruths from the truth. And finally only brightness remains: the light of our Being.